In the midst of a shower, where all my deepest thinking seems to be done, I came upon a revelation. Because of this revelation, I realized why there has definitely been hinderance or hurt in a lot of my relationships. While not innately a sin, it however remains a bit…backwards.
Instead of continually beating around the bush with a teasing behavior, like a dessert shared between 8 females and everyone continually takes a small piece until the end and no one takes the last bite, I shall just say it! I realize as I look back in a retrospective lens, sharing my personal life is relatively easy. Why? ‘Cause I don’t give a *boop*. Truth is truth, and all will be brought into the light, right? At least that’s how my subconscious processes it… However. I have found it more difficult, that my struggle is not in being transparent with how I feel or what’s been going on in my life but in being, me.
When I am not me, that is usually because I am uncomfortable with something and probably has a root or stem in the fear of man. Which is unusual for me, in my opinion.., because I am not one to back down from conflict or confrontation. A good storm always precedes a good harvest, right? Anyways. Like a child with people I feel like I don’t know or am new to, I slowly test the waters to see if it’s safe to let my walls down…more and more until they are gone.
An old lesson that had a deeper layer and meaning. People always want authenticity, demand it, and when it’s not good enough they are frustrated or disappointed. That’s when it clicked for me. No one wants to lower the walls/gate first to get punched first. No one wants to be the first to step out there. Especially me. But… Lately it has really donned on me the gravity and desperation of my desire for knowing my identity in Christ. And to chase and pursue that has slowly but Shirley given me a sense of freedom.
I hate, yet love, when my experience matches my knowledge. I have heard it before, but I feel more so its truth now. That, you can only truly love people when you know God loves you and you love God. You no longer care for their approval and are free to be you and in that are not bound looking for their respect and you will no longer use them for their affections. It makes me want to put myself out there even more(with discernment of course), and tell all the sissies to bring it, and give me the hardest punch they think they can deliver. (starts at :47.)
What makes me worth anything more than a grilled stuffed burrito is Jesus’s death on the cross. It’s the ultimate symbol and act of his love. So, what that means to me is knowing all my eggs are in my God’s basket, I am free to love on as many people as I can. I love others because God loves me. And it doesn’t matter how others respond as long as I am honoring God and loving on them.
God wants us to be the first ones to step out. You never know how broken other people are until you get to know them. And to be able to reach out to them and risk getting punched again and again, is what love is all about. Love came to show us the way.