Volez

EXPLICIT CONTENT ENTRY:
One part of Kite Runner that I really liked, was how the narrator classified all sin, as stealing. If you murder, you are stealing life. If you lie, you are stealing the truth. If you commit adultery, you steal from yourself, your future/current beloved, and the person we all victimize, though he is far from a victim, God.

When I was young I was exposed to pornography well in my single digits without realizing what it was. I remember asking my dad one time if we could watch one of his VHS porn films when I found it messing around in his closet…thinking it was a full length family friendly presentation…

Anyways. It wasn’t until 7th grade or so that the real seeds of sin were sown deep. I started downloading porn and I had gigs of it, before there were gig-hard drives. (multiple hard drives). And I was proud of it… I read up on sex and the female anatomy to prepare myself for any excursions I may [n]ever have as well…Bluntly put, I was a horn dog and a perv.

Fast forward, almost 10 years later, I was still caught in the sin. I struggled on and off but, never truly committed to breaking free(for the right reasons).

There’s actually a lot of good stories that involve how God has chased me through these sinful pursuits. I remember one time, while I was ‘doing good’ and abstaining from it, where I couldn’t resist/flee my lust anymore, and queued up a lot of porn-downloads and went to bed. The next day I went to my computer, ready to watch some porn, and tried to turn it on; the storm the night before had sent that derrtty little hard drive to hell. Somehow my computer was blown up while everything else in the apartment was fine. I tried to have my roommate(engineer) fix it, but he somehow made it even worse by setting something on fire…literally, there was smoke coming from my computer.

I was caught in the act, thrice(different people), yet it still wasn’t enough to keep me from stopping… I had accountability partners, actual roommates; I had x3watch and all the works.

DAMAGE
Let’s say… I averaged 3 hours of porn a week…for ten years…which is probably pretty gracious… Not getting in the specifics of leap years and junk, that’s easily 1560 hours. I won’t even bother getting into the details of where my time could have been allocated better. I probably still retain over hundreds of names of porn stars; I can recognize porn stars in an instant. Recently I saw a music video in which a porn star had a cameo for like 3 seconds, and I immediately knew who she was. I wiki’d it, confirmed it, and felt ashamed.

When I look at my life and how it has affected me, I don’t think I can even begin to see the gravity of my sin. I just pray that this has no effect on me later… I also think about how much I have ruined the gift of sex for myself, as well. How sweet would it have been if we obeyed the Lord, and never knew what the other opposite sex looked like underneath their clothes, or to have never had a sexual experience before your wedding night, wouldn’t that have been awkwardly amazing?!

People often think that when they get married the temptation will be over with, and the war on lust will be over, because you have a sexual ‘outlet’. If that were true, there would be a lot less adultery. I have known/know married men that struggle with it, still. And the effects are catastrophic. Not only on the emotional level, either… I have heard stories in which this sin has actually affected the ability/performance of the husband to have sex with his wife. And he had to bare the guilt and be the 28 year old guy that takes Viagra. This isn’t even getting into how often this plays a part in divorces.

SIN
This also hasn’t even gotten to the bigger part of the picture. This is a sin! Sexual perversions are incredibly hated by God, it is very prevalent in scripture. Our bodies belong to Jesus, and they house the Holy Spirit! Sodom and Gomorrah, Curse of Ham, Lot’s Descendants, Church of Corinth, Rape of Dinah, Civil war between the Benjamites and the other 11 tribes that practically annihilated them from continuing being a tribe of Israel… Unrepentant sin will get your ace beat. And I’m not talking about a small spanking; I’m talkin’ ’bout gittin’ BEAT…the kind where your teeth are on the curb, and your back looks like ground beef from getting scourged.

REDEMPTION
Why do I say all these things…because my heart breaks for all those stuck in this sin. This the last part of the big picture. Jesus saves. Jonah and the Ninevites, David and Bathsheba…Are great examples of how God graciously responds to repentance.

Ever since near the end of January, the Lord has been ridiculously gracious with me regarding this. While I came before him in January, he made my love for him so great I miraculously lost interest in pornography. Not to say I am free of the temptation of lust, because no guy ever is, but through the grace of God I have been free of this sin since January.

It’s funny how things have changed. Sometimes I joke about becoming asexual… I may see an ad online, or even a scantily clad attractive woman in person, and be un-phased…and just comment on her shoes or how something looks bad… And I know it’s not an issue with the piping.

Anyways. I use myself as an example to show how one of the worst offenders has been delivered and saved through grace…and I just pray all my brothers and sisters still afflicted from this will be set free from this prison and hate this sin as much as Jesus does.

More than any internet filter can protect you from, or accountability can keep you accountable for, this is an issue of the heart. Often there is more to it, than just being physically horny(depression, boredom). You have to be truly broken hearted, repent, and rely on Jesus. Bring it to the Lord, and let him weed out this sinful plant, before it wraps around other things in your life that will get uprooted with it.

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5 thoughts on “Volez

  1. I decided to catch up on your blog posts today, and I'm glad I did! Thanks for being so brave and honest! Praise God – His grace is so evident in this situation. Thanks for the reminder that we have a God who redeems and miraculously delivers his people from sin and bondage.

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